I've been asked write a fears list, in a guided stream of consciousness format:
1.) The fear
2.) Peel it - why fearful?
3.) What it affects
4.) My associated character defect
With so many fears and so many thoughts and so many feelings and so many of everything, I FEAR I am Bastian in the Never Ending story, but I never find the name for the Childlike Empress. It feels endless, and constantly evolving, snuffing out exit signs and emotional first aid stations.
Current events make the timing perfect or imperfect, depending on my mood.
1.) My recent breakup that leaves me feeling lonely, and missing my bff. Will we have that rom-com moment where, years from now, we run into each other, spilling coffee on respective blouses? The awkward laughter as we dab the stains with a wet napkin, upon which we realize the love is still there. Note - This future tripping reiterates why I watch horror movies. Don't mislead everyone, Jennifer Aniston.
2.) Football season - visual broken record of interceptions I've thrown. Are the girls are just being nice, letting me play QB, but secretly they hate me and wish I'd just serve them water and orchestrate the fundraisers?
3.) Professional - It is time to expand myself, and possibly invest in classes. Do I really love what I do, or am I a fucking black belt in complacency? What route do I take? Do people respect me in the office? Will I lay on a death bed and suddenly realize my calling. Oopsie - 50 years too late, sucka.
4.) Landlady - It is clear our disdain for one another is mutual. Come October, will I have to move? What if I can't find a place as cheap, forcing the roommate option? If I stay, will she continue to scream at her daughter in Tagalog? Will she ever become self aware?
5.) Birthday - Turning 30 in less than a month. Should I plan something? Extreme shame around asking people to celebrate me, when I probably don't celebrate them. Should I just fly to LA, and see old friends in Santa Monica? Or should I go to Harbin Hot Springs, risking a breakdown inspired by the memories I have with Jenna?
6.) Socially awkward moments - Daily reflections of things I've said to my boss, to team members, friends. When that random guy from my meeting asked how I was doing tonight, I told him "I just bought Smooth Move Tea because I feel backed up." WEIRD.
7.) Quitting smoking - I plan to be fully quit sometime next week. By then, I'm hoping the Wellbutrin will grab hold of my neurons, crying out, "Hey, you don't crave these anymore! Addiction button has been disabled!" How the fuck am I supposed to drink coffee, drive my truck, be socially comfortable without them? Is it too late? Do I already have cancer?
8.) Satisfaction - Fear that I will always have that subtle undertone of depression. Think Ghostbusters II, river of slime under the city streets. Why does it take such concentrated effort to see the wonderful gifts behind bitching points 1-7?
This is when I wish I was Benjamin Button. Mom, please leave a surprise note in my lunch bag, telling me you love me. Dad, empty your sock drawer so we can play an ad hoc game of dodgeball.
My temporary resolve in this fucked up interim: Being so glad I'm not an astronaut, sent on a dangerous mission to the moon, only to find murderous aliens who slay my crew, leaving me alone, using the last of the reserve oxygen, while I melodramatically look at a picture of the wife and child I don't have.
You can only feel awesome after that.
